To respond thoughtfully to our child's outbursts, we have to first silence the alarm bells going off inside our head. Dr Markham coaches parents to "hit the pause button" before taking any action, even in the face of a screaming child. In her research, Ms. Lewis learned that parents and children often synchronise their heart rates, breathing and other physiological functions, so calming ourselves down can have a measurable, physical effect on our child — not to mention on our own ability to face a situation calmly.

Resilience depends on an understanding that emotions — even those considered "negative," like sadness, grief or anger — aren't a problem to be fixed, but a natural consequence of being human. "The thing about emotions is that they don't last forever; there's a beginning, middle and end to all of them," said Carla Naumburg, a clinical social worker and author of "Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing Mindfulness with your Children for Fewer Meltdowns and a More Peaceful Family." More than that, allowing ourselves — and our children — to experience and express a full range of emotions is vital to our well-being. Dr. Markham noted that it is actually when we don't express our emotions that we lose control of them — not the other way around.

So often as parents, we ask "why" questions about unwanted behaviour ("Why can't he remember to put his socks in the hamper?"). But Dr Naumburg said that asking ourselves "Why am I responding this way?" may be a more useful question, especially when our buttons are getting pushed. "Notice what's happening with you, and start to take responsibility for it," Dr Markham suggested.

Establishing and holding the line on boundaries can lead to some of the most unpleasant moments in the parent-child relationship — but approaching those moments with compassion and kindness goes a long way toward keeping your blood pressure down. Dr Markham and Dr Naumburg suggested verbally acknowledging your child's feelings and comforting him or her doesn't have to mean giving in to their demands. "There are times when I will sit with my daughter in my lap, as she's crying, and snuggle her as I'm saying 'no' to her," Dr Naumburg said. "She's still crying, but we're still connected."

Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author of "The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It," said parents should be especially mindful of the times you're most likely to give in to your child's outburst. "If you can recognise what triggers you to an automatic 'yes,' it's time to step back and say, 'Hold it a minute, why am I doing this?'" Dr Newman suggested. "We're living in this culture of 'yes' parenting," Dr Newman said, "and it's easier to say yes than to deal with a child's meltdown." But parents can consider, "How will a 'no' help?" as a way to explore the reason for a particular boundary so that you and your child can better understand it.

When we identify closely with our children or rely on them as a barometer of our own self-worth, we set ourselves up for disappointment (or worse) when things don't go exactly as we planned. "Our egos are very tied up in our parenting," said Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of "How to Raise an Adult." Dr Naumburg noted that this is partially informed by a cultural narrative that suggests that, "If the kids are not OK, then it's because we parents have done something wrong." As Ms. Lythcott-Haims put it, "If we can get a life, maybe our kids can have one too."